Cutting conversation
Question
I cut myself. I used to do it and had talked to friends about it and managed to stop for more than six months but now I've started again.
The thing is, my friends have started to notice I'm doing it again and I feel like I've really let them down because they were so proud of me when I stopped.
My family has no idea what's going on and although I've hinted to them they just haven't noticed. It doesn't help that we're not the sort of family that talks about things. But really I just feel that my cutting will be a burden to them and will create problems. They'll probably just be angry with me about it. I always feel like I let them down anyway, nothing I do seems to be good enough and I just can't face letting them down any more.
I really need some help but can't face their anger. What should I do?
Answer
It sounds like you've had a very difficult time recently, but you've taken a brave step towards getting the support you need.
Self-harm is often a way for people to cope with difficult emotions or situations. Difficult feelings can be the reason why people self-harm. It can be a means of communicating what they cannot put into words or even into thoughts. It may also be a way of releasing painful emotions such as rage, sadness, emptiness, guilt or fear.
Living in a family where you feel you can't talk about things sounds very frustrating for you. You may well be bottling up a lot of emotions and this must be putting you under a lot of emotional pressure. But please feel assured that these feelings are understandable and you're not alone.
Since self-harming is often a private coping mechanism some people may feel ashamed and unable to admit to anyone what they are doing. So, it's great you've been able to tell your friends about the situation. The fact they felt so proud of you for stopping previously indicates they care deeply for you.
If you still feel able to talk to them about your cutting and how you feel, this may give them a better understanding of how things (like your relationship with your parents) make you feel. You may well find this will help them to help you, even if they're simply there to listen. Making yourself less isolated could help ease the pressure slightly, and allow you to become more focused on the issues behind your self-harming.
Although you've given hints to your parents about your self-harming, it might be that they were too subtle for them to realise the distress you're going through. You also say they will be angry if you tell them about it but parents can also feel embarrassed, blame themselves or not know what to do. Perhaps they do have an idea that something is wrong, but are unsure how to help. They may feel that asking you lots of questions might seem like prying. If you were able to consider speaking to them, it might give them a better insight into the situation and could help them to offer more effective support and understanding.
It might be helpful to talk to one of your friends first about the things you'd like to tell your parents. Another option could be for one of your friends to sit with you when you talk to your parents to give you extra support.
Although talking to friends and family might help, this can seem hard and if you feel uncomfortable about this, you might like to consider talking in confidence about any of the feelings or worries you have to SANELINE on 0845 767 8000. They would also be able to explore the practical options available to you in seeking further help.
Alternatively, there are other organisations specialising in confidential support in the area of self-harm, all of which are free of charge. The National Self-Harm Network provides support to people who self-harm. Their website features a range of resources and also includes a message board. And the Bristol Crisis Centre for Women has a national self harm helpline you can call on 0117 925 1119.
The underlying issues behind your cutting may be quite complex, and could explain why, having stopped for some time, you have started again. You might want to consider talking to someone like a counsellor or therapist, as they may help you to work through the possible reasons for this. You can find free, local counselling through the Youth Access directory of services. The Young People and Self-Harm website also contains a lot of information and advice you may like to look at.
Also, there are several professional services around the country that specialise in treating self harm. These are generally accessed through a referral from your local doctor (GP), which could be an option.
Finally, although this might seem an extreme suggestion, you may want to bear in mind the accident and emergency department at a hospital, particularly if you harm yourself in a way you think might be potentially dangerous.
So please remember, you need not be alone and there are plenty of options for you to explore.
Updated: 07/06/2011
Question answered by SANE
