Argued away desire
Question
I used to have a great sex life with my boyfriend but things have been difficult recently. We are both very stressed and have been rowing a lot and because of this, I'm completely uninterested in having sex. I don't want to break up with him but need to know what I can do to sort out the relationship. Is there something wrong with me?
Answer
Please don't worry that there's 'something wrong' with you. It's not unusual to feel unsexy or to be put off the idea of sex because of stress and rows. In fact, it's very normal. So, hopefully you can start feeling better about that. Please also take on board it's extremely likely you have a great sex drive and perfectly normal sexual response.
But, from what you say, you're not happy with the state of affairs in your relationship with your boyfriend at the moment and no one could blame you for that. You say you definitely don't want to split up. This is a feeling that many of us have been through at some time. But sometimes we have to look at the possibility of breaking up, if a relationship is going wrong.
It could be that if the two of you could get away together and have a holiday or a short break, things would come right. But, on the other hand, they may not. It may simply be that you've reached a point in your relationship where you do row a lot. You may come through this turbulent time but it is always possible that one or both of you will begin to feel this relationship is too much like hard work and will want to be single again - and free to experiment with other relationships.
Since you did have great sex at one time, it would probably be helpful if the two of you could try to talk calmly about what causes the rows and what is going wrong between you. One way of doing this is to have a ten-minute rule. This means that one of you can talk, without interruptions, for 10 minutes and the other person has to listen carefully. Then the other partner can have 10 minutes to put his or her view without being interrupted. Doing this may clear the air.
Finally, it might help you to know that a woman's sex drive tends to be dependent (within a relationship) on feelings of being loved, appreciated, valued, romanced and so on. So if you're feeling less loved, or less valued, or put down, it is unlikely your sex drive will return while you continue to feel that way. This means that if you want your sex drive to be normal, then things have to improve within the relationship.
Updated: 17/01/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
