Tired of waiting
Question
I'm pretty sure my boyfriend's a virgin, I completely love this guy and I want to sleep with him but when I bring the subject up, or we're in bed and there's a suitable moment, he ignores it or changes the subject.
It's usually been the other way around and the lads I've dated have been the pushy ones so I'm a bit confused about it all. I really do want to have sex with him so should I wait for him?
Answer
You must feel very frustrated at the moment, when you love someone and really fancy them wanting to have sex is the most natural thing in the world. But, as you probably remember, it's a different story when you're not experienced: sex can be a big, scary deal.
Think about it from your boyfriend's point of view. If he is still a virgin, or is just less experienced than you, and knows you've had sex before, he could well feel under a lot of pressure. Not only does he have the usual 'performance' worries, he's likely to be bothered he won't know how to please you or won't live up to your previous partners. It might be that the more you bring up sex, the more pressurised he feels.
It's worth avoiding doing anything he doesn't really enjoy or might even regret afterwards. So, frustrating as the situation is, you need to think about ways to avoid pressuring him. If you want your first time together to be enjoyable and memorable for both of you, then you both need to be in control of the decisions your making.
Talking about sex isn't always the best way to initiate it, the words 'I want to have sex' or 'can we have sex' could well make him freeze, just let it happen naturally. Try to relax and sex will happen when he's ready. But remember it's important to choose the contraception that's right for you before you have sex to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.
You could also try thinking about it another way: you seem to be going out with someone who obviously cares about you and isn't just using you for sex. Waiting for him shows you respect him and care about his feelings to, which is part and parcel of loving someone.
If you want to talk about these issues in more depth why not pop in to your local Brook Centre for a confidential chat, or if you prefer call them on 0800 0185 023.
Updated: 23/02/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
