Faking it
Question
I've never had an orgasm with any of my boyfriends, I've always faked them, and they've believed me. It's been going on eight years now. I'm now with a guy I really like and want to marry. I need to let him know, but we've been together a year now and that would mean he'll know I've been faking them. How will he ever forgive me when I've lied to him repeatedly about something so central in a relationship?
Answer
Many women experience difficulties having an orgasm and find that they fake one while they are with a partner. This doesn't make you a bad or dishonest person. It isn't uncommon for women to worry about, and experience difficulties, having an orgasm. There can be a lot of pressure on women to orgasm and the media often leads us to believe that women will reach an orgasm every time they have penetrative sex. This is a sexual myth and can be very confusing.
According to research a large majority of women (75%) will need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. The clitoris is situated on the exterior of the vagina above the vulva and looks or feels like a small sized-pea. It's a very sensitive part of a women's body and when stimulated it can lead to orgasm. Just be aware that every woman is different in what brings them to orgasm.
If a woman fails to have an orgasm or finds it difficult to climax, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with her. It could simply mean that she hasn't yet learnt how to have an orgasm. Relaxing as much as you can is an important part of learning how to reach orgasm, as is feeling aroused and having good communication with your partner. Some women find that the more they focus on trying to have an orgasm, the harder it is to actually have one. Others find it easier to orgasm by becoming oblivious to their surroundings, and even their partner, and some like to focus on a fantasy.
It can take some women a while to learn how to have an orgasm. Masturbation helps some women to learn about their own bodies and how to pleasure themselves. Once a woman has learned to experience pleasure at her own touch and to feel better about her body, she can share what she has learned with her partner.
It's your decision if you want to tell your partner about this. Communication is an important part of relationships, and you may find it helps to tell your partner how this has made you feel and why you have always faked your orgasms. It may be that you didn't know how to have an orgasm, and felt the need to fake one in order to please your partner.
If you would like to talk about this, you can visit you local Brook Centre (under 25's) and have a chat with a counsellor, in confidence, about anything to do with sex and relationships. Or you can call the Brook Helpline on 0800 0185 023. You can also speak to an adviser at the Sexual Dysfunction Association Helpline on 0870 7743571, or email info@sda.uk.net.
Updated: 20/06/2007
Question answered by Brook
