Every family, whether they're the Osbournes or the Obamas, has flashpoints - the kind of hair-trigger moments that transform usually calm family members into volcanic thunderheads. Within the hemmed-in environment that is the average household, tempers flare, annoying habits seem worse and an otherwise innocent remark can leave you in a cloud of four-letter outbursts.

Sound suspiciously like your own beloved clan? Well, before you start thinking the only solution is a crisis meeting chaired by the last couple of Nobel Peace Prize winners, read on.

The racist/homophobic grandparents

Sometimes it's hard to equate the cuddly Werther's-sucking old person with the torrent of old-fashioned and offensive bilge that comes pouring out of their mouth.

Now, while some remarks stem from genuine prejudice and can never be justified, it's worth remembering that old people can utter comments (such as calling non-white people "coloured") without any intention to cause hurt. However, an ignorant statement about, say, Graham Norton being "a bit of a nancy boy" can still have you crawling under the sofa with embarrassment.

Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist at Relate, recommends the following: "If your Auntie Flo is coming out with these remarks, don't go in with guns blazing. Instead, have a polite conversation with them afterwards or speak to another family member so they can have a word with them." 

But what if you're in a mixed-race or same-sex relationship and want to bring your partner home? "Try to pre-empt any situation by warning people ahead of time," suggests Hall. "Also, if your grandma is racist or homophobic, then talk to other family members first so you've got more allies in the room."

If things do take a turn for the nasty, simply follow counsellor Phillip Hodson's advice: "If a family member insults your partnership with the intent to belittle or cause hurt, either demand an apology or leave."

The eco-refusenik parents

Have the kind of parents who think recycling is something to do with mountain bikes? Who return from Sainsbury's in their 4x4 clutching enough plastic bags to suffocate the entire north Atlantic seal population?

It's never easy dealing with relatives who have this mindset, but instead of flying into an apoplectic eco-fuelled rage, Hall suggests dropping subtle hints. "If you say things like, 'ooh, you seem to have put the glass bottle in the wrong bin', they'll eventually learn by osmosis."

Hodson agrees. "It's almost impossible to reform the older generation who grew up in a world of energy excess," he says. "But gentle chiding and humour work much better than preaching."

The fiercely dogmatic political uncle

Picture the scene. It's a family reunion and just before the profiteroles are passed round, your Uncle Sidney proclaims "how that sensible man in Iran has got the right idea with public stonings". Cue jaws dropping on the floor and a full-scale row.

"A lot of issues are about opinions, which everybody's entitled to," says Hall. "Make sure you respect and tolerate these. Also, keep any talk about politics as 'a discussion' and don't start screaming, 'that's wrong', as the situation will only get inflammatory."

The parents who nag about your over indulgence

"It sounds trite, but it's only because they care," points out Hall. "Very few parents will approve of you smoking or boozing to excess, however hypocritical it may seem. If you must drink or smoke, make sure you're discreet about it."

"What your parents are really trying to do is assert a set of power relationships which you know no longer exist," adds Hodson. "Make empty promises to reform, or shrug it off with good humour."

The parents who over indulge themselves

Some parents never learn. When you see your folks smothering waffles in melted cheese and puffing away as if lung cancer has never happened, it can be downright hurtful.

It's natural to worry about their health, but instead of preaching try and educate them.

"Give them leaflets or print out advice from the web," suggests Hall. "If that fails, tell them how concerned you are. If they still ignore you, recognise they're foolish and old enough to know better."

The dad with irritating habits

Ingrained habits, such as sniffing like a warthog, giving each other foot rubs or stirring coffee with a blackhead gun can be as cringy as outrageous comments.

"Focus on the positive aspects of that person," says Hall. "If you concentrate on the things you like about them, eventually you will forget about their strange mannerisms and learn to accept them."

Updated: 17/12/2009

By Christian Koch